I'm so irritated right now. I have two other roomates [one is a new addition, this school loves to screw everything up]. this is a ridiculously small room and I don't even sleep in here anymore because I'm nearly passing out from the over-heating and anxiety of a way too small space with way too much shit in it.

and what's better, the new girl just LOVES to stare at me. While I'm changing, when I'm eating, whatever the hell I'm fucking doing she just stares. So now I can't binge at all because she's staring at me from her bed while I'm sitting here typing this. And she loves to go through my shit...little...gah!

Irritated, pardon me. I'll describe her. She's tall, was at one point quite thin but American food fattened her up, and she's Italian. She'd better stop staring or I swear I'll ram her fucking laptop down her throat and giggle myself to pieces while doing so.

hahaaaa

5'6 and 98 pounds once again. damn I'm really fucking up my body. Hah. And yet I laugh...

lost weight again...i need to figure out a way to eat without gaining or losing. i only know how to eat to lose weight...and if i eat anything outside of those specific categories...well i get rid them. "/

i need to see a nutritionist or something, i'm at 5'6 guessing around 100 or so pounds and i actually [surprise surprise] don't want to lose too much more weight, but i don't know how to stop myself.

damn. >=P help "/

i'm gaining weight. aw damnation to hell... >=P

oh well, just nab my psychotic willpower back and everything'll be just dandy in no time. i guve it half a week or a week before i'm back to 'little' again.

when my eating disorder vaporizes into thin air and disappears, i'm throwing a popcorn party! whatta contradiction...

damn...i'm sick of hearing vietnamese all the time, i'm serious.

my roomate talks on the phone until 2 am and then starts talking on the phone again at 5:30 am. She sleeps right after school when everyone else has practice, it's so hellishly annoying. I've told her [often] that technically she's supposed to be off by 11, but noooo she never listens. Just keeps up with the whole "20 more minutes."

I'm getting no sleep over here. It's really screwing me over -_-;; I'm always irritated now, and best of all, when I'm irritated, I always feel like the fattest person on earth, even though I'm obviously not.

And then I'm just irritated with everyone. My friend has a crush on just about every guy in the school, so that makes everyone off limits for me and my other friend... x_X it's stupid. And she acts so forward with them that they're freaking afraid of her. She's Kazakh and the people she's crushing on are Japanese, Taiwanese, and now apparently freaking Indian. >____< The Japanese guy told me he liked me....

which completely threw me off. I have no idea what to do.

I'm done. I'm irritated. BYE.

I'll vent more after school, trust me.

jesus CHRIST! i haven't weighed myself in a while and someone finally put a scale in our dorm bathroom. [still in high school, by the way, it's a boarding school....-___-]

I lost a LOT MORE than i THOUGHT i did. . .

Jesus, I weigh 102 pounds now, and I'm 5'6, I came to this school at 115. As much as I'm happy with that news, it's still shocking. I looked up the BMI and it's 16.5.

haha. . . score.

i've lost quite a bit of weight these past couple of weeks...i think it's the combined stress of school, social life, food (the nastiness of it)...and such as that. it's not doing great things to my body...gah. going home's going to be a pain in the ass when my parents see me and flip. ah...well.

so i guess i'm around 105. maybe? it could be. a korean girl in my dorm said i looked like i weighed 45 kg, which is about 100 pounds, but i don't actually believe that. oh well, it's flattering all the same.

wanna lose weight? lose your social life, live with only asians (where no one speaks your language), and make sure you're under spectacular amounts of stress. it'll melt off in days.

hmm...

i was staring at the sky the other day and swore i could see flying DNA, although I wasn't stoned, high, drunk, or altered in any way.

we'll see...

i'm in dreamland now...i had a good day. so i'm 5'6 =O !! I grew an inch. score. lovely. I'm also 113 pounds. well. i was expecting a hell of a lot worse to be truthful, so i'm content with it. haha...yeeeees.

i also got a cellphone. =O

and it doesn't end there. a...digital camera. canon powershot SD600. i mean really, why was today so good? something's gonna bite me in the ass hard tomorrow, I know it. let's see what happens...

but for now i'm happy.

the end.

i'm on a bit of high right now, really. i went to the mall and bought new glasses [yay]. they're really nice looking, they're kind of greyish and they're made by 'vogue'. haha. i like them, and now i can see, so what the hell, why not be happy? i've been delaying getting this stupid prescription filled for the past three months and now the world is eerily sharper. cool.

i tried on some pants at american eagle for dress code at my school [tch...boarding schools...and dress codes...] and i fit quite nicely into a two. but then again...don't they size large? hope not. but i bet they do. all i'm saying is the two fits nice and may be too big in a week. so i'm kind of torn...i don't want to buy a 0 because it'll be too tight, i want to buy something that i know fits me now so i don't have to worry about fitting into it for school. it's hard to explain really...i'm just tired of frantically flipping out cause my clothes don't fit me. i don't know why i have this complex of 'it must be the smallest size or i don't want it'.

i mean, i did the same thing for prom last year. i wanted the smallest dress offered because i'm stupid like that...and so when it arrived on my doorstep, i realized: awesome! it's lettuce for me for the next two weeks! well for prom it fit beautifully [a bit loose on top actually...damn]. my collar bones kind of protruded a lot, but then again they always have. it's the only damn place i seem to lose weight. my thunder thighs love to stay the same don't they?

so i've decided to try and buy clothes that fit me NOW rather than clothes that'll fit me SOON. i can't do that anymore, and to me that'll be the first step into 'i don't hate myself anymore' land.

but i will never submit to Medium. I am an elitist FREAK, and I refuse to own clothes that carry the letter M. Does this make me a freak worth many unflattering titles? Yes, probably. But i needed to vent all of this because this is a goddamn online journal, and i'll use it as such.

since tomorrow is my big school clothes shopping trip, we'll see how it goes.

and oh yah, i've eaten...well...pretty close to nothing today. it was the damn cup of milk that stole my calories. oh well, i don't want to snap my bones anytime soon. the milk's going nowhere, that firmly STAYS.

bye.

what the hell kind of mood am i in anyway?

i'm nowhere near recovering, in fact i'm stalling right now from purging. you see, purging is a bloody nuisance and i don't feel like it, so i'll wait ten minutes and then do it. i'm so lazy... well not lazy, i just waste a lot of paper when i purge [don't even ask...] and i'm not in the mood to go paper hunting, even though i know i'll have to in ten minutes. honestly, no life. i think about the stupidest things.

so i've realized it's really hard to believe in god when i'm bulimic and kids in africa are starving [cliche...yes, but i do think about it]. if i'm eating until i'm sick and then vomitting it all out...while there's kids in africa [or whatever country of your pick]...then that's pretty messed up isn't it.

i'm guessing i look more attractive when thin, because i was laughing yesterday at some stupid thing my dog was doing and my father commented i've a lovely smile. ahem. i like compliments =D

but then he said i need to gain weight, which made me ask: how much do you think i weigh? because honestly, i'm curious and i hate his scale. he said i look 106. YUHZAAAAH. i know i don't actually weigh 106, seriously yah right. i know what i'd look like at 106 personally, but the fact that he thinks i look that...well good.

i'm done flattering myself. and stalling. as much as i don't want to purge right now, i'd shoot myself if i didn't.

BYE

and end morbid entry of the day. i'm in an f'ing weird mood right now.