F A D E

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 17:34:50 GMT

I'm so irritated right now. I have two other roomates [one is a new addition, this school loves to screw everything up]. this is a ridiculously small room and I don't even sleep in here anymore because I'm nearly passing out from the over-heating and anxiety of a way too small space with way too much shit in it.

and what's better, the new girl just LOVES to stare at me. While I'm changing, when I'm eating, whatever the hell I'm fucking doing she just stares. So now I can't binge at all because she's staring at me from her bed while I'm sitting here typing this. And she loves to go through my shit...little...gah!

Irritated, pardon me. I'll describe her. She's tall, was at one point quite thin but American food fattened her up, and she's Italian. She'd better stop staring or I swear I'll ram her fucking laptop down her throat and giggle myself to pieces while doing so.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 01:08:28 GMT

hahaaaa

5'6 and 98 pounds once again. damn I'm really fucking up my body. Hah. And yet I laugh...

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 21:16:05 GMT

lost weight again...i need to figure out a way to eat without gaining or losing. i only know how to eat to lose weight...and if i eat anything outside of those specific categories...well i get rid them. "/

i need to see a nutritionist or something, i'm at 5'6 guessing around 100 or so pounds and i actually [surprise surprise] don't want to lose too much more weight, but i don't know how to stop myself.

damn. >=P help "/

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 17:09:21 GMT

i'm gaining weight. aw damnation to hell... >=P

oh well, just nab my psychotic willpower back and everything'll be just dandy in no time. i guve it half a week or a week before i'm back to 'little' again.

when my eating disorder vaporizes into thin air and disappears, i'm throwing a popcorn party! whatta contradiction...

venting part 1

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:10:35 GMT

damn...i'm sick of hearing vietnamese all the time, i'm serious.

my roomate talks on the phone until 2 am and then starts talking on the phone again at 5:30 am. She sleeps right after school when everyone else has practice, it's so hellishly annoying. I've told her [often] that technically she's supposed to be off by 11, but noooo she never listens. Just keeps up with the whole "20 more minutes."

I'm getting no sleep over here. It's really screwing me over -_-;; I'm always irritated now, and best of all, when I'm irritated, I always feel like the fattest person on earth, even though I'm obviously not.

And then I'm just irritated with everyone. My friend has a crush on just about every guy in the school, so that makes everyone off limits for me and my other friend... x_X it's stupid. And she acts so forward with them that they're freaking afraid of her. She's Kazakh and the people she's crushing on are Japanese, Taiwanese, and now apparently freaking Indian. >____< The Japanese guy told me he liked me....

which completely threw me off. I have no idea what to do.

I'm done. I'm irritated. BYE.

I'll vent more after school, trust me.

OH MY GOD

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:51:37 GMT

jesus CHRIST! i haven't weighed myself in a while and someone finally put a scale in our dorm bathroom. [still in high school, by the way, it's a boarding school....-___-]

I lost a LOT MORE than i THOUGHT i did. . .

Jesus, I weigh 102 pounds now, and I'm 5'6, I came to this school at 115. As much as I'm happy with that news, it's still shocking. I looked up the BMI and it's 16.5.

haha. . . score.

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 02:02:35 GMT

i've lost quite a bit of weight these past couple of weeks...i think it's the combined stress of school, social life, food (the nastiness of it)...and such as that. it's not doing great things to my body...gah. going home's going to be a pain in the ass when my parents see me and flip. ah...well.

so i guess i'm around 105. maybe? it could be. a korean girl in my dorm said i looked like i weighed 45 kg, which is about 100 pounds, but i don't actually believe that. oh well, it's flattering all the same.

wanna lose weight? lose your social life, live with only asians (where no one speaks your language), and make sure you're under spectacular amounts of stress. it'll melt off in days.

hmm...

i was staring at the sky the other day and swore i could see flying DNA, although I wasn't stoned, high, drunk, or altered in any way.

we'll see...

my doctor's physical

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 03:08:31 GMT

i'm in dreamland now...i had a good day. so i'm 5'6 =O !! I grew an inch. score. lovely. I'm also 113 pounds. well. i was expecting a hell of a lot worse to be truthful, so i'm content with it. haha...yeeeees.

i also got a cellphone. =O

and it doesn't end there. a...digital camera. canon powershot SD600. i mean really, why was today so good? something's gonna bite me in the ass hard tomorrow, I know it. let's see what happens...

but for now i'm happy.

the end.

not so bad

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 04:13:56 GMT

i'm on a bit of high right now, really. i went to the mall and bought new glasses [yay]. they're really nice looking, they're kind of greyish and they're made by 'vogue'. haha. i like them, and now i can see, so what the hell, why not be happy? i've been delaying getting this stupid prescription filled for the past three months and now the world is eerily sharper. cool.

i tried on some pants at american eagle for dress code at my school [tch...boarding schools...and dress codes...] and i fit quite nicely into a two. but then again...don't they size large? hope not. but i bet they do. all i'm saying is the two fits nice and may be too big in a week. so i'm kind of torn...i don't want to buy a 0 because it'll be too tight, i want to buy something that i know fits me now so i don't have to worry about fitting into it for school. it's hard to explain really...i'm just tired of frantically flipping out cause my clothes don't fit me. i don't know why i have this complex of 'it must be the smallest size or i don't want it'.

i mean, i did the same thing for prom last year. i wanted the smallest dress offered because i'm stupid like that...and so when it arrived on my doorstep, i realized: awesome! it's lettuce for me for the next two weeks! well for prom it fit beautifully [a bit loose on top actually...damn]. my collar bones kind of protruded a lot, but then again they always have. it's the only damn place i seem to lose weight. my thunder thighs love to stay the same don't they?

so i've decided to try and buy clothes that fit me NOW rather than clothes that'll fit me SOON. i can't do that anymore, and to me that'll be the first step into 'i don't hate myself anymore' land.

but i will never submit to Medium. I am an elitist FREAK, and I refuse to own clothes that carry the letter M. Does this make me a freak worth many unflattering titles? Yes, probably. But i needed to vent all of this because this is a goddamn online journal, and i'll use it as such.

since tomorrow is my big school clothes shopping trip, we'll see how it goes.

and oh yah, i've eaten...well...pretty close to nothing today. it was the damn cup of milk that stole my calories. oh well, i don't want to snap my bones anytime soon. the milk's going nowhere, that firmly STAYS.

bye.

what the hell kind of mood am i in anyway?

guess what

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 19:54:29 GMT

i'm nowhere near recovering, in fact i'm stalling right now from purging. you see, purging is a bloody nuisance and i don't feel like it, so i'll wait ten minutes and then do it. i'm so lazy... well not lazy, i just waste a lot of paper when i purge [don't even ask...] and i'm not in the mood to go paper hunting, even though i know i'll have to in ten minutes. honestly, no life. i think about the stupidest things.

so i've realized it's really hard to believe in god when i'm bulimic and kids in africa are starving [cliche...yes, but i do think about it]. if i'm eating until i'm sick and then vomitting it all out...while there's kids in africa [or whatever country of your pick]...then that's pretty messed up isn't it.

i'm guessing i look more attractive when thin, because i was laughing yesterday at some stupid thing my dog was doing and my father commented i've a lovely smile. ahem. i like compliments =D

but then he said i need to gain weight, which made me ask: how much do you think i weigh? because honestly, i'm curious and i hate his scale. he said i look 106. YUHZAAAAH. i know i don't actually weigh 106, seriously yah right. i know what i'd look like at 106 personally, but the fact that he thinks i look that...well good.

i'm done flattering myself. and stalling. as much as i don't want to purge right now, i'd shoot myself if i didn't.

BYE

and end morbid entry of the day. i'm in an f'ing weird mood right now.

???

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 01:44:01 GMT

typing with one hand cause my cat is sleeping on the other...it's painfully cute. [melts...]

anyhow...for about 4 days i've been eating next to nothing and it's showing some crazy results @_@. i know i lose weight fast, but this is ridiculous. welcome, but still ridiculous. i'm wearing baggier clothes because i've already gotten a comment from my mother wondering why i've gotten so thin. i still don't know how much i really weigh. 110-115 maybe. who knows? i don't. blah.

what's sad is that i realize people are right that near fasting gets easier after the third or fourth day...you get this mindset that tells you [me anyhow...] why not go tomorrow too? for the hell of it, let's see how long you can go. hahaha...

feeling morbid but determined to be a wee little twig.

cheers~

well this sucks.

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 10:21:06 GMT

royally. i need to reform. so apparently i can't go a day without bingeing on anything and purging...that saddens me. i'm kind of at a dead end here, i really need to stop myself. now i'm going to angst, woot woot. i really really need to...

weeeellll...my body can't process full anymore and i'm stuffing myself to the point of being ill...and then i'm purging gleefully until red streaks turn up and i wonder curiously (in some sort of morbid fascination) if it's blood. yah...so ideas like that make me realize i need to find a way to stop myself. can't get help from a therapist or anything because that would require telling someone about my nasty habits...so need to do this on my own.

damn. haha... i don't even know how much i weigh now and i'm mortified to find out. it makes me shudder how pathetic that is to me. so let's see...i'm guessing around 115. Now maybe if i wasn't 5'5, that'd be okay...but since i've got this thing for looking emaciated...hah i don't know. i don't know...

sooo let's see. how can i correct myself in a quiet manner? because obviously, if i stop bingeing and purging...i'll essentially stop eating.

i made the stupidest mistake also. some girl emailed me asking about 'ana'. to which i stupidly replied: "she's in mexico right now, how do you know her?"

I'm stupid and slow like that. Ana is a Mexican friend of mine I was in school with last year...and it took me 5 seconds after i clicked the send button to realize there are too many goddamn ana's in the world.

what is going on...

disconcerting dreams...

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 08:26:24 GMT

i had the weirdest and scariest dream i've had in a while...last night. so anyway, here goes:

for some reason or other, the black plague hit my hometown (?) and i was still in boarding school. and then i was at home (don't ask me how i was mysteriously transported there...) and everyone was dying blah blah...and i asked my mother, let's get out of here! She just said no, because she had it too...and then proceeded to tell me I had it. Scared the crap out of me. There were signs on the doors of people who had it and whatnot...making me nervous of course.

and then somehow i was back at school again asking if i could stay there permanently because i was scared as hell...and they said yes. there was a weird announcement saying my hometown had the black plaque and i was going to stay at the school (but it's my boarding school...so that shouldn't have been strange...) i got sympathy.

i was scared and nervous...really badly. i then proceeded to wake up flipping out a bit...realized it was a dream...went back to sleep. woke up again later thinking i had eaten a huge meal...felt relieved when i realized i hadn't...fell back asleep again.

...[...]....weird[.]

still awake

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 08:57:06 GMT

well obviously i've become nocturnal, haven't I? oh dear. i guess i'm just waiting for morning to come so i can take a shower and go downstairs and wander around. i can't exactly do that now...but i'll be justified once the whole house is awake. i'm bored. i'm also indecisive, but that doesn't really matter. weightloss anyone? i'm looking forward to it, i can't really control anything else at the moment, so why not weight eh... no that's not really how i think. i don't even know how i think...so the lesson here kiddies is that the mind is a very dangerous and confusing thing when it has nothing to focus on.

so anyway. amidst all of this confusion/boredom/self-loathing, i'm very much looking forward to the family values tour. only for dir en grey, though. apparently i have some pretty kick ass seats, who knew? i'm so unlucky, let's see if something bad happens. i'll keep my brain crossed. pft.

au revoir!

well.

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 09:31:49 GMT

yah i haven't actually gone to bed yet...haha...wow i'll be a wreck tomorrow. anyway, i was off surfing the internet and some of the communities here on lj, and to be quite frank, i'm somewhat worried about some of these people. i looked on "eating disorder" websites to see large girls talking about starving themselvs, yet at the same time fantasizing about food and whatnot. It makes me wonder. Is 'eating disorder' the new word for diet? If you want to shed weight, does that mean you automatically have an eating disorder?

In my opinion, no. and it's getting annoying to see girls try to be that way. wanting to be thin does not mean you have a disorder. on the other hand, once you have reached a healthy weight and are still consumed with the desire to continue loosing... well i wonder about that too.

i try not to sound elitist, but i feel as though anorexia isn't an image problem so much as a control problem. you weigh 160 pounds, you decide you need to lose weight...well power to you! you should lose weight. it's when you're bmi's crashing and you no longer give a flying shit about anything but the numbers on the scale and the control you have over it...that's what i think of anorexia. you achieved the control you've desired [even though secretly...it's controlling you]

the point i'm trying to make over here is that anorexia now has an aspect of glamor to it. some girls don't want to diet anymore, they now want to have an eating disorder. i almost feel like some people can't even see the difference anymore.

i'm venting. pardon me.

adios~

first entry

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 06:12:14 GMT

look at me, i've got livejournal =P

i slept in until 5 pm today, which explains why its 2 am and i'm still awake now...but that's nothing. i' know i'll be up the whole night and then be a complete wreck tomorrow. it'll be amusing as hell, i'm sure. my eyes have finally gone back to their normal size a couple hours ago from the puffy mess they were before. it's all because i staid up all night last night watching some spectacularly sad japanese drama [soap opera] that had me crying for nearly 7 hours straight. [yes i watched the whole thing all through the night]. i used up half a roll of toilet paper as tissues too. heuheuheu...

i proceeded to go downstairs and make myself some ice coffe...while half blind mind you because of severely swollen eyes...and then i ate a banana. good stuff. had some more iced coffee later on. and so in all?

didn't actually eat other than the banana and the calories from the milk. haha...i wonder how much weight i can lose if i continue being nocturnal and malnourished for the rest of the month. eating disorder anyone? not news to me, the good old days when i used to be 100 pounds are coming back, baby. hahaha...how disturbing and fun at the same time.